Yesterday I discussed the JD customer-service incident, prompting lively discussion. I have three points to make about Yang Li and the stand-up routine that made her famous:

1 In just five and a half minutes, Yang Li’s routine begins with “ordinary yet overconfident men” and ends with “men are trash,” showing a lack of basic respect for a group of people. This is why she became popular and why she was attacked. These are consequences she should bear.

2 Personally, I do not dislike Yang Li. In our era, attention means money, whether the attention is favorable or hostile. As a stand-up comedian, she is successful. People who live on attention are not afraid of being criticized; they are afraid nobody cares enough even to criticize them.

3 I understand everyone who supports or opposes Yang Li, however heated their language. These are normal expressions of emotion. Most people face difficulties in real life and have no obligation to consider everyone else’s feelings at every moment online.

Returning to the subject of this essay, what struck me most about that routine was the difference between men’s and women’s thinking revealed in Yang Li’s monologue.

The second half goes as follows. You can skip it, or read it if you want a reminder:

That is why I really disagree with “stay in touch, but keep your distance.” I think true love has no distance—you can’t maintain one, you know? Even in friendship, we have to give ourselves wholeheartedly and stand by each other unconditionally.

Do you know who I have said the nastiest things about in my entire life? My best friend’s boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend. I don’t know this woman, but I hate her. I was at a gathering with my girlfriends and saw one of them scrolling through another girl’s WeChat Moments. I glanced over and said, “Who’s that? She’s really pretty.” She said, “My boyfriend’s ex.”

I immediately changed my tune: “You can tell she’s no good.” I said, “Looking that pretty, she can’t have a good personality. Personality determines destiny; hers won’t be good.” What’s her name? Apparently, Yaoyao. I said, “What decent person is called Yaoyao?” Then another friend said, “But my girlfriend is called Yaoyao.” I said, “Sorry, then your girlfriend will have to be sacrificed today. Today we’re wiping out every Yaoyao.”

That’s how irrational we women are when we make friends. But have you ever tried pouring your heart out to a man? I have. Once, after a breakup, I told a male friend, “We broke up. He ran off with someone else.” My friend said, “Well, there’s nothing you can do.” He said, “I always thought he was excellent. You weren’t quite good enough for him. I’m only telling you because I see you as a friend.” I said, “Stop treating me as a friend. Treat me as a person—a person with feelings.”

I thought, why? Why do these men have to be like this? Eventually I understood: it’s because you’re so confident. We women know that what we say doesn’t matter. Nobody cares except our friends, so we say whatever makes our friends happy. But you men are different. You’re the protagonists of the world, forever standing at its center. Every sentence you utter is important, every one a profound truth pointing the world toward its future. So you think, “Has this person come merely to pour out their feelings? Impossible. They must want to learn something from me.” Then, through your own actions, you teach them life’s most important lesson: men are trash.

I had rarely been aware of the female psychology expressed here. She initially says a woman is “really pretty,” but upon learning that she is her best friend’s boyfriend’s ex, immediately changes to “you can tell she’s no good,” even “wiping out” others who share her name. I was bewildered. What did this woman ever do to you? Why insult her—and insist on widening the attack?

Yang Li later explains her logic: put simply, you must stand firmly on your friend’s side. I cannot agree. I believe a good friend is one who genuinely points out your mistakes and tells you the truth. Someone who is sweet-tongued but treacherous is the person to avoid. Of course, one should try to speak in a way the other person can accept, though that is not the main issue here.

When Yang Li confided in her male friend, I do not think he did anything wrong. First, he took her perspective and wanted to solve her problem, concluding that “there’s nothing you can do.” Second, he offered her advice: “I always thought he was excellent. You weren’t quite good enough for him.” He had probably wanted to say this before but only now found the opportunity, believing it would no longer damage her relationship and that it was time to speak honestly. When he said, “I’m only telling you because I see you as a friend,” he was certainly sincere. If he were my friend, I would consider him worth knowing.

These are two ways of thinking. Is one right and the other wrong? I do not think so. Although I disagree with Yang Li’s approach, I respect it. I would not insult her over it or consider my own thinking superior.

Yang Li, however, clearly believes hers is the only correct way. She does not understand problem-centered thinking or the value of unwelcome but sound advice. Instead, she calls these men “particularly confident,” mocks them as “the protagonists of the world,” and finally, carried away, says “men are trash.” That has brought her both worldwide praise and worldwide condemnation.

The American author John Gray wrote a series called Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, offering a fairly comprehensive account of differences between men and women. I believe one important reason gender antagonism is so severe online is that many people neither understand nor respect these differences.

For example, when a woman pours out her feelings, a man often assumes she is asking for help and inviting him to solve the problem with her. In fact, simply sitting down, listening carefully, and showing empathy at appropriate moments may be the greatest support he can offer.

Similarly, when under pressure or in a bad mood, a man often keeps his mouth shut and everything to himself. Unless he reaches the point of having to ask for help, he avoids troubling others or becoming a burden. A woman who feels low or overwhelmed, by contrast, is more inclined to find a close female friend and pour out everything on her mind. Telling someone she trusts about her worries and unhappiness makes her feel much better.

Although I have read this book before, I still tend to overlook these differences in real life. I therefore plan to write a reading report tomorrow introducing its contents, in the hope of helping everyone understand some differences between men and women more quickly and deeply. It will follow the format of my earlier reading reports. Please look forward to it.

Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus was written by an American, yet how well its contents fit circumstances in China! This shows that these differences really exist.

Which differences are purely physiological and which are socially produced is another question, requiring further research.